Four Things I Promise Before Baby

I’ve squeezed out a blog post for 65 consecutive months, and this will be the last one without child. After my long-winded announcement, I purposely avoided writing about it out of principle, in defiance of the idea that having a kid has to dominate who I am.

Things will change. They already have. I was so pissed off earlier this month, purposely working later than I should and not talking much at home. I felt like I was on a treadmill of unremitting tasks, impossible to optimize the way I want, and the tasks were neither for my benefit nor appreciated.

The realization was painfully settling in that there will always be something hanging over my head now. This is the new norm. I hope a switch in my head flips when the additional head pops out of her vagina, because from my current vantage point, I don’t see how the reward can be worth the opportunity cost.

Frankly, I feel like a fraud after consistently ragging on kids and parents for years. And guilty for abandoning those who agreed with me and stood by it. I want to put some safeguards in place to protect my relationships with those who don’t have children. You can screenshot these declarations and call me out if I break them.
 

Photo credit: The Weave

 

#1 Having kids is selfish, not selfless.

People talk about children giving them meaning in life, rooted in caring for someone besides themselves. That’s fine, but don’t overextend the notion. If our motives were truly altruistic, we would adopt from the pool of starving orphans. Think about how much better that would be for the world.

But no, we want to make one that looks like us and provides the feeling of life beyond our own. It’s actually quite self-centered if not the ultimate vanity. People do the most effed-up things for their kids, or at least temporarily suspend manners and rationality.

Making a baby is not a selfless act. Our bodies are designed for this. It’s why I start going crazy if I don’t ejaculate for a while. Raising someone else’s baby is a selfless act. You will never hear me confuse the two and refer to biological parenthood as a noble endeavor.

#2 Separate the remarkable from the normal.

We put headphones on the belly and blasted Mozart a few times in hopes of cultivating genius. Chances are the kid is going to be pretty bland though. He’ll be born in the O.C. after all.

My wife and I are well above average on various attributes, so I’m kind of anticipating some regression to the mean with our son. That’s perfectly OK and will save us money down the road with more limited options for higher education.

In this everyone-gets-a-trophy age, I will not embellish how cute, smart, coordinated or otherwise precocious my son is for doing normal things. They might seem amazing things to me watching the month-to-month transformation, but I will remember they are not special to anyone outside this section of the family tree.

Outside the family home, I will reserve excitement for exciting developments. If he picks up a few Mandarin phrases, great; that puts him in the 50th percentile in Irvine and we can celebrate privately without boring others.

If he’s benching 150 at 18 months… then this might warrant an Instagram story. First of all, I would be jealous. Second, I would want a paternity test. Third, I would want a PED test. Fourth, I would point out I have long arms and try to pause at the bottom and not cheat with momentum. And fifth, this is the type of extraordinary development eligible to be raved about to people with no connection to my child.

#3 Talk about something else.

If I’m conversing with another parent, of course discussing our kids is topical and natural. But I will never, ever start talking about my baby to non-parents unless they ask. It is tedious and irrelevant subject matter to them and disrespectful of their time.

There is too big of a gap in our vested interest level. You wouldn’t go through the details of your new charcoal smoker with a vegetarian.

We should treat the baby like a family death in conversations. It’s probably polite for them to inquire, and I will oblige with the essential information. Then we’ll move on because dwelling on it only creates an awkward cycle of forced Q&A.

#4 Leave the leper at home.

Unless we’re using the baby as a ticket to bro so hard at Chuck E. Cheese, I will not bring it to any social outing with non-parent friends. Those opportunities will be rare enough as it is without diluting their quality with a dependent who adds no value.

I don’t have a high opinion of adults who say they prefer to hang out with children. Best case, dull intellect or sense of humor. Worst case, pedophile. I hate playing with other people’s kids. I feel obligated to put a lot of energy into it and generally succeed in building rapport. But really I can’t get out of there fast enough, yet time appears to stop.

This is why child care is so expensive. You have to compensate any normal adult because it’s unenjoyable work when the kid isn’t yours.

All four of these guardrails amount to the same important self-awareness check. Circa July 10, my disposable time and income will revolve around a new center. It is not everyone else’s center, and I will respect that.

 
 
Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.


Straight Cash, Homey

Buying a car seems a lot like trying to get laid pre-Tinder, although I don’t have a large sample size for either. Everyone has a different style, but in general it’s this terrible dance of posturing, prodding, circling, attempted mind reading, push-pull, perception management. Bottom-line results are a function of time and effort allotted and supply and demand.

At a Toyota dealership this Memorial Day weekend, my closing line featured a visualization of what the guy looked like with his shirt off. It could have worked just as well at the bar with the right setup.

Here’s approximately what I said after the boss of the boss of our salesman introduced himself with an alpha-strong handshake and asked for an assessment of the situation:

Me: You know when you’re at the gym and making gains right…

Him: (nodding, instantly gets it, looks like an undersized big-conference high school linebacker who aged well and maybe tried MMA for a while)

Me: I know you hit the gym.

Him: Nah, I (unassuming mumbling)

Me: No, just looking at you, I know you are shredded underneath that shirt. So you’re making these gains at the gym and then you go to Del Taco (point across the street at Del Taco) and waste it. That’s what’s happening here. We worked very hard to get this discount, and now we’re wasting it with this optional package that we don’t want.

Him: OK I understand, I can remove that for you.

Me: Thank you, I would appreciate that.

Him: So we remove that, we have a deal? (extends hand)

Me: Yes, 100 percent. (shake hand)

I thought it was pretty clever to drum up that analogy on the spot based on his physical appearance and enlist the visual aid of the Del Taco sign. It wouldn’t have worked on a non-bro. My antics either resonated with him, or more likely, he sensed I was a little crazy and it wouldn’t be worth his time to go down the rabbit hole of trying to screw each other like rabbits.

A coworker I call the Professor described the car buying process elegantly when he said that at a certain point, they’re not trying to f*** you anymore and just want to get the deal done. It’s just a matter of getting to that point.

That took work. At various moments, I was unsure which side was being the bigger douche. My wife said she had to look away a few times because it was so uncomfortable.

When the 24-year-old salesman tried to treat me like a drunk girl on Tinder during last call at the bar and get me to fill out a credit application before I saw the price, I didn’t decline too graciously. I said and repeated, “How does that make any sense?”, and in retrospect it might have sounded like I was badgering him to answer a rhetorical question. It was most definitely rhetorical, as evidenced by his lame response, “It’s up to you.”

Still, we worked on the numbers amiably together as I readily referenced a stack of hodgepodge quotes that served as a strategic prop. I kept pumping him up and would later do so in front of his bosses, in theory making an advocate out of him.

When his manager took over, intensity escalated as it tends to do with resolution approaching. The highlight for me was after I overstepped and questioned his integrity, I apologized and reached across the desk and cupped the top of his hand in mine. Twice. Isn’t that what pickup artists do, a derivative of negging and establishing physical contact?

He wasn’t the least bit offended by anything I said or implied because he knew perfectly well he was trying to hustle me. I pulled up the calculator on my phone over and over trying to decipher his cryptic worksheet with numbers an Enron accountant couldn’t make add up. The best was a $457 “copies” fee that apparently was a glitch. It didn’t affect the total though, which is why I say I overstepped.

We went at it for a good half hour. Our salesman later told us this second-level boss is called the “closer” internally. Well I worked the pitch count up on Kenley Jansen and outlasted him. I told him straight up I’m a grinder, and he got the biggest kick out of that.

I just kept going back to the numbers, sometimes trying a new approach, sometimes typing in the same thing and pretending I was trying to find a solution, sometimes acknowledging good parts of the deal, sometimes ignoring them.

At one point he walked away and said “You’re thinking too much,” which you love to hear when making the second-biggest purchase of your life from a commission-based salesman. Just for that, Kenley, why don’t I foul off a few more pitches.

The point of contention was, I’m sure, a common one. We agreed on the sale price, a few grand below MSRP. But surprise, when drawing up the contract, it turned out those three optional features the salesman pointed out earlier were already installed and cost a few grand.

Sir, do you think I am actually retarded? I know I’m not supposed to use the r-word like that, and if you’re a loyal reader and offended, I’ll change it. If you’re a casual reader, we can talk about it. But I was just so exasperated, and I don’t curse. I suppose a biology-based epithet is worse though.

The features that somehow morphed from optional to inextricable in 15 minutes were a GPS hookup, nitrogen-filled tires and some protective coating crap.

He said he would give me one for free. Oh joy, Great Benefactor, how could I be so lucky to stumble on this generous sale. No.

After some more jostling, he offered to charge only for one, $895. No. But in my mind, I knew we were in my target price range based on a month of research.

This is where the time allotted came into play. I didn’t need to present a brilliant argument or logic. He wasn’t negotiating on merit or intrinsic value anyway. I just needed to waste enough of his time that could be spent closing another deal.

Multiple times Kenly went through the benefits of the package and told me I was getting 3-for-1. Multiple times I told him I wanted zero-for-zero. I didn’t even listen to the benefits to avoid the distraction. Everybody knows these contrived packages are how they get you.

Fortunately my wife is the best listener I know and pointed out if the coating required a two-part installation, we should be able to waive the second and pay half. This prompted our salesman (not Kenley) to march over to the big boss, and then came the 60-second Del Taco close.

I had been just about ready to go halfsies on that $895 rather than drag it out with the standard charade of threatening to walk. Instead, we paid none of it and ended up $2600 below sticker price. Plus they matched a wholesale leather quote we got at $1100 when the typical rip-off dealer price we were seeing was over $2000.

 

 

I want to make clear in this picture I was not doing the black frat hand sign made famous by Shaq, which I’m told is offensive for non-members to mimic. In this case, I was going for the Randy Moss touchdown celebration that’s kind of like a breaststroke motion or peering through bushes.

It felt appropriate because when Randy Moss was once asked by a reporter how he planned to pay a fine, he responded, “Straight cash, homey.” That’s how I paid for the car, except I put the maximum $5,000 on credit card to get points and financed a small portion to get a $1250 rebate. I’ll pay off both in the first month so it essentially was straight cash, homey, although I think Randy meant physical cash which is beyond my means.

Ultimately, I think we haggled our way to a solid if not remarkable deal for a 2019 Toyota RAV4 XLE Hybrid. This is where supply and demand comes into play. Pursuing a new model with very limited inventory and pent-up interest, we had poor negotiating leverage.

Most dealerships did not even have RAV4 Hybrids in early May. The few that hit the lots sold rapidly. A couple of Orange County dealers would not budge on sticker price and said these models were actually going for more, which was probably a stretch, but some online sources did confirm this.

This was a hard car to get, let alone get a good deal on. Worse, my wife and I have nearly inverse utility curves, and she insisted on black exterior, black interior. There were too many needles in the haystack for her liking, so she figured we should be more specific.

I felt like the schmuck waiting in line for the latest iPhone or trying to outbid some nerds for sneakers. I loathe the idea of being a slave to self-imposed superficial wants. One color is acceptable, really?

I bring this up only partially to rebuke how particular my wife is with aesthetics, but mostly to make the case that we fought for and earned a good price based on the parameters.

Hybrids are incredibly cool to us, given both our cars are pre-Obama and have CD players in the console instead of touchscreens. My wife is obsessed with her new ride and looks great in it.

She says the black-on-black and hybrid engine make it feel like a Batmobile. So that’s pretty awesome, and also pretty awesome we got it without the jokers at the dealerships taking us for a ride.

 

 
 
 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.


Cars and Abs

At my previous job, I used to tell my young, fit, attractive female coworker she needed to change her relationship with food. This is not why I am no longer employed there, and I have no pending litigation except a parking ticket at the Marina del Rey library that has nearly tripled while I ponder whether the posted sign offers a loophole.

Those conversations in the kitchen with the coworker were more about camaraderie than judgment. We’re wired similarly. Disciplined enough for exercise. Motivated enough for aspirational diets. Amateur enough to lapse and feel guilty about it.

My OCD drives the healthy highs and unhealthy lows to wild amplitudes, tidal waves instead of your typical ebb and flow of moderate consumption in a first-world country.

So really I was talking at myself, reflecting that I needed to change my relationship with food. The need became more pressing at my new job, which provides lunch twice a week, breakfast every day, and a gas station snack bar within my line of sight. I’ve visited Netflix and Pinterest cafeterias, which are on another level, and wonder if the anticipation of eating can ever fully leave the mind in those buildings.

It would be a severe problem for me. Even with more limited food inventory than IPO startups, here are some James Harden stats I put up on various days when I cared to keep track:

  • five bagels, four with cream cheese
  • nine 190-calorie bags of trail mix and five string cheeses
  • five hot dogs
  • 14 little Jersey Mike’s sandwiches, each 2.5 to 3 inches. So we’re still talking a gangbang’s worth of footlongs. Speaking of gangbangs, In-N-Out was for dinner, and I finished my wife’s fries.
  • 18 string cheeses
  • four bags of pistachios, five bags of cashews and one bag of almonds totaling 2,150 calories
  • four Double-Doubles
  • two donuts, which isn’t crazy but the jelly-to-dough ratio was like nine-to-one. Toward the end I was dipping crumbs into chunks of jelly and felt especially slovenly.

In years past, I balanced out these kinds of binge days with Lexus days. A Lexus day starts with a workout, and every bite of food in the ensuing 24-hour period must be natural, single-ingredient, without salt or sugar.

It’s like eating rocks. There is no joy or even stimulation in meals, just unadulterated sustenance. The Lexus nickname refers to the brand tagline “The Relentless Pursuit of Perfection.”

And it has to be perfect, or it doesn’t count. I once mindlessly started chewing a honey roasted peanut on a Southwest flight, realized the added sugar, and instinctively ejected the bits out of my mouth with my cheeks puffing out like a blowfish.

The nice thing was I got to use the napkin, which I always feel like is wasted. Then I made my wife finish the nuts, so I could put the napkin inside the bag in a tidy disposal without exposing soiled surface area to the flight attendant.

You want to get on my level of obsessive thinking, bro? I will take you to depths and heights that will make you feel like you’re in a fourth dimension.

Yet I can’t seem to channel this to complete Lexus cycles anymore. It’s such a challenge to block out the siren song of free delicious food in the vicinity, a mental war of attrition similar to what Ben Affleck must have felt as the nanny walked back and forth.

Moreover, nine years of jogging to 24 Hour Fitness in Hermosa Beach created an aversion to driving to the gym. It doesn’t feel right to get in a car before exercise. I can’t do it.

Instead of joining a gym in Orange County, I try to get creative using the small one on our work campus. I stretch and prance following Nike Training Club instructions, move some dumbbells around, and head on home not really sure what was accomplished.

Between pretend workouts and stress or idle eating so savage that I sometimes finish the snack on the way back to my desk and U-turn right back to the kitchen, I don’t feel good about taking my shirt off in front of people anymore.

That’s generally fine, as I don’t go to bars much in this chapter of my life and haven’t built the capital to let loose at the office holiday party. But there still are use cases. Some grade school buddies from Texas are visiting this weekend, and we got a condo in the Santa Barbara area for a dainty bro trip.

Suppose the beds are small and movable; the drinks and nostalgia are flowing; it turns into a Superbed situation at night; and we’re rolling around on each other in our underwear. Am I trying to bring Jell-O or a six-pack to that party? You have to remember to ask yourself often what you want out of life, or you’re never going to get it.

I want to be shredded for my bros, but one Lexus day a month isn’t going to cut it, or the abs. Currently I’m playing with a different approach based on a theory of equilibrium weight. Let me qualify this by saying I think weighing yourself is a waste of time versus looking in the mirror.

For the purposes of quantifying though, let’s take my equilibrium weight of 157. That’s about the point when I feel sexy, and the abs show up depending on strategic lighting. As I eat myself into the 165-170 range, at a certain threshold I feel gross and actually crave vegetables and exercise.

So I start an inspired health streak. But once I dip below 157, I simply get hungrier and less disciplined, craving anything that tastes good until I snap and binge past equilibrium again.

It’s a pendulum or yo-yo diet that makes all efforts seem futile, as I always gravitate toward an equilibrium anchor determined by genetics. What isn’t sustainable by definition regresses.

The further away I am from equilibrium, the harder it is to keep going in that direction (whether getting shredded or obese) because of diminishing returns. Trimming those last few pounds for a six-pack takes so much disproportionate effort that enlisting the 80-20 rule might make more sense. Give up a lot less to have a pretty good bod, but not great.

Instead of Lexus, I’m trying something more like Subaru — getting the job done efficiently without excessive opportunity costs. The Subaru experiment began after I hit a natural rock-bottom endpoint eating an entire loaf of white chocolate bread right before bed. No one can wake up feeling sexy after that.

 

 

I ran hill sprints for punishment and started my Subaru era of consumption. This means some Lexus meals and portion control on all others. For example, I had a burger and beer that first day, but only one of each.

After a week of decent but not exceptional diet and exercise, some decent but not exceptional definition returned to my stomach.

 

 

It was enough to feel good again though. I was “feeling myself” as the young Drake fans say and delayed work to take pics with different lighting and angles. I used my wife’s phone for one because surprise gifts are always sweet.

Here’s another one of me modeling a Target shirt, which I would have posted on the Gram and hashtagged with the “Expect More. Pay Less” slogan, but even my douchey-ness has its limits in public domain.

 

 

Plus I’m not expecting more. The idea is to pay less in terms of Lexus-level deprivation while accepting I won’t get dictionary-level abdominal definition. The Lexus abs are going to be better. I think the pics below are an example, but I might have just been dehydrated.

 

 

The difference doesn’t appear to be worth the incremental effort to me. Under the Subaru system, I stay within striking distance of a six-pack without exhausting my willpower, and then maybe I can rattle off a few Lexus days before important shirtless opportunities.

You might think of me as vain with all the pics and thought about abs. I am not vain. I’m just really into myself and find the outside of people more interesting than the inside.

If you care more to know about how my pregnant wife is doing, she’s great. She braves the discomforts of carrying a growing baby, presumably mine, while patiently listening to me recite a food diary after work every day like a compassionate fat camp counselor.

She has the most important stomach in the world to me, even more than mine. But I’m also not trying to mimic it.

 
 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.


Daddy Sam

Back when I was making $13 an hour at my first job out of college (not sure about that ROI, Northwestern), I learned conceptually how those W-4 forms work. Ever since then, I’ve enjoyed pontificating to anyone who will listen about how getting a tax refund is bad. You should want to owe.

Uncle Sam decided to shut me up this year. Or at least put my money where my mouth is, as the gambling degenerates can’t stop themselves from blaring when I’m just trying to make conversation about sports.

My wife and I owe $8,435 federal, $391 state. There will be an underpayment penalty of a few hundred bucks, the equivalent of Iverson stepping over Tyronn Lue after thoroughly mistreating him.
 

 
So that little gesture of disrespect will push our tab into $9G territory. Is this what happened to Al Capone and Wesley Snipes, only in a different tax bracket?

It was an accident. Really. We’ve been getting a refund of four or five grand during the married filing jointly era. I grumble about the interest-free loan to the government, but man, that direct deposit every April is nice to see.

No one should celebrate a tax refund though. All that means is they took too much money out of every paycheck. You were paid less than deserved, so the government will make it up by returning what was yours to begin with.

If you think a big tax refund is great, I can be your new best friend. Give me $10,000 today. I’ll put it in a 12-month CD and pocket $250 of interest. Then I’ll give you a $10,000 refund a year from today. What a deal, right!

A dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow. Now, I suppose you can use tax refunds as an automatic savings vehicle. But there are much more intelligent ways to go about this. I work for a financial wellness app called Acorns that automatically invests your spare change into a diversified portfolio. (I won’t be compensated if you use this sign-up link, but you’ll get 5 bucks to start.)

But what do I know; my grasp of financial planning netted a $9,000 subtraction from savings that coincided beautifully with a $4,500 credit card bill. We also need to buy a car now with a baby on the way.

It’s great to know I’ll be balancing the rigors of first-time parenthood with first-time drug dealing to afford diapers, while my wife walks the streets. Or vice versa depending on supply and demand. We want to be a progressive home without traditional gender roles.

How did this happen? How did I descend from personal finance superstar to cautionary tale?

Well, I can’t really get around the fact that we just didn’t pay enough taxes during 2018. By a lot. Withholdings were less than half compared to 2017, when we had a higher income but certainly not that much higher.

So how did that happen? I don’t know. I check my grocery receipt with ferocity to make sure those malicious teenagers don’t charge me for broccoli crowns instead of broccoli. But with paychecks… I guess I never gave them much of a sanity check. The take-home amounts varied throughout 2018 with a raise, 401(k) contributions, commissions. I saw the year-to-date totals and deductions but didn’t comprehend them.

I vaguely remember some warning about checking W-4s to prepare for the new tax law. The task made it on my Evernote to-do list, but other things took precedence, e.g. “Read Game of Thrones.”

Apparently two-income, married filing jointly households living in high-state-income-tax California who usually take the itemized deduction needed to check themselves before they wrecked themselves.

An exemption on your W-4 reduces the amount taken out of your paycheck and applied to taxes. The more exemptions you claim, the smaller your refund in April, or the more you owe.

My wife and I are supposed to claim two exemptions total, not two exemptions each, as we had been doing. Somehow it didn’t matter the first couple of years we filed together.

One reason was something called the personal exemption, not to be confused with W-4 exemptions. Personal exemptions lowered taxable income, just like standard deductions. The new tax law killed personal exemptions but almost doubled standard deductions. Some people benefited overall, some didn’t.

It hurt us in terms of taxable income, but I’m not putting this one on Trump. Our overall tax rate was lowered, and I support any efforts to simplify the labyrinth of deductions and exemptions and crap.

There were at least two more amplifiers in our great symphony of fiscal pain. We overpaid state taxes in 2017 by about $2500, the most I can remember, and that refund was counted as taxable income in 2018.

Also in 2018, I decided to get my Wolf of Wall Street on and started playing with $51,000 in the stock market. I was essentially day trading with the rule to never sell at a loss. On June 15, I put all $62K-ish into Alibaba and it dropped. The price still hasn’t come back up, and I’ve been disciplined enough to not panic and sell. (I was down to $39K in December and now back to $55K.)

The problem with my methodology of never selling at a loss is the IRS thinks I never lose. All they saw was that I made 11 grand off investments in 2018, subject to short-term capital gains tax.

Bro, get off me. I am not Warren Buffett. I was actually down 11 grand at the end of the year.

What I should have done is something called tax-loss harvesting. Sell at a loss in December. Buy right back into another stock, so it wouldn’t violate the spirit of my no-panic, ride-out-the-market rule.

Then for tax purposes, I could use the loss to offset the gains in 2018. If the loss was bigger, I could even reduce my taxable income. Again, I would still be in the market and not lose any potential upswings.

Just to be tidy, I should mention the wash sale rule. This doesn’t allow tax-loss harvesting if you purchase the same or “substantially identical” security within 30 days before or after the sale. So I couldn’t have bought back into Alibaba, but Netflix or Square sure would have worked out well in hindsight.

It was all part of a lesson taught by Uncle Sam, more aptly called Daddy this year.

 
 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.

The Big Short

When people say life is short, I used to think… not really. It’s finite, which might produce the same implications and feelings. But when I considered all that could fit into an hour or day, life did not feel short.

At age 34, it does feel pretty short now. One natural way to frame the passage of time is in four-year increments. High school. College. Presidential terms. Olympics. These have tidy start and end dates and are maybe formative periods or distinct chapters.

Well I’ve been out of college for over three colleges now. I try to picture freshman year, being in a dorm for the first time, learning to drink and making friends who never heard of Plano, Texas. Sophomore year, figuring out majors and career path because clearly that won’t change. Junior year, living by cornfields in Illinois fall semester and castles in Prague spring semester. Senior year, still a virgin until May, which my wife loves to bring up for no reason as if I should be embarrassed about saving myself for the right time to get drunk with the right girl.

Freshman to senior year — I’ve lived that three times since already. And it’s picking up speed. Days or weeks might feel slow here and there, but larger increments are flying. Everyone I talk to agrees. How is it March already?

A big reason for the perceived acceleration is the workweek-weekend pendulum. Toss a few trips on the calendar, and the pages flip like crazy.

Moreover, each passing unit of time is a smaller percentage of your total life span. Kindergarten must have felt like a beast, increasing my life experience 20 percent. This year, that percentage is down to 3.

It makes sense to extend the four-year benchmark as you get older. If I instead measured life in eight-year segments, there’s really not that much left. My parents turn 65 this year; this is the home stretch for them.

I’ve said our 30s are a good age to work on accepting our parents are going to die. More than a few friends recently have needed to stare down this reality during close calls. My own dad statistically should be dead instead of group-texting pictures of him drinking IPAs in his Blink 182 shirt.

Our 50s seem like a solid time to come to terms with our own expiration. It’s really not all that far off for me now. A couple of eight-year flashes, and I’m there. There’s just not that much time to begin with after all.

My closest friend from college and I got to reconnect in Chicago over the weekend and realized we only really knew each other for two years. We flip-flopped study abroad semesters, and he graduated a year early. So two years, then different cities, and we catch each other what, maybe 20 more times? Twenty time-lapse snapshots showing unrelenting age, and that’s a wrap? Life truly is short if you want a decent amount out of it.

We were together this time for the funeral of an amazing person, husband of a dear friend from freshman year. It’s not my story to tell, so I’ll share what’s in public domain along with a light suggestion. Even for someone like me, for whom empathy doesn’t naturally sink in past a few outer layers, it’s not hard to picture yourself in this situation:

https://www.gofundme.com/support-hillary-and-her-future-beautiful-baby

I propose the next time you’re about to go out to eat with your partner, stay in instead and just mindfully enjoy the company. Donate the bill to my friend, whether it would have been Steak ’n Shake or steak and lobster. Maybe make some PB&J’s and wash them down with reflection and appreciation. It might be worth the trade one time.

Because humans are so remarkably adaptable, we can’t sustain that level of gratitude on a daily basis without incredible meditative skills or hard drugs. We will always go back to taking things for granted, so check-ins and resets are fantastic.

The goal doesn’t have to be hug what you have, carpe diem every waking minute. On the bad days, remembering life is short should in theory take the edge off stress or depression. You can find comfort that in the big picture, this stuff isn’t going to last forever or even very long.

I hope that doesn’t come across as morbid. I mean it in a pragmatic, productive, self-therapy-hack kind of way. We’re all in this together and should help each other make sense of the time we have.

 
 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.

Embryo

I have procured permission to write about both the current pregnancy and previous miscarriage. Rather than staging the ornate gender reveal I always dreamed about (boy), I would rather focus on the dead one.

It’s more interesting and instructive than the never-ending feed of indistinguishable babies and eight-month birthday celebrations. Wait, did I miss Month 7? Can you please repost because I am riveted by this comprehensive journey through time?

Of course everyone wants to feel like a good person and wish health and happiness for all. But it’s OK to admit you also love to hear about breakups and divorces, drama and infidelity, struggle and conflict and loss. It lights up the dinner table conversation in a way that first-day-of-kindergarten pictures cannot. You skip the long articles about Amazon with substantive news and teachings, but can’t click fast enough when Jeff Bezos gets divorced.

Miscarriage announcements — if there were such a thing — undoubtedly would be more stimulating fodder than pregnancy announcements. And productive. I had no idea these biological misfires were so common because people don’t really talk about them. To me, that makes them a bigger deal than they need to be.

But I understand people feel different things in the same situation. The way I perceive my world, and the way I write about it, might not be the best fit for the overly sensitive subject of miscarriages. If you experienced one or more and don’t want to hear the sporadically tactful perspective of a guy who will never know what it feels like to carry a baby, maybe sit this blog post out. I do appreciate your reading in general though.

A year ago this month, we removed the goalie and I happened to have a monster load saved up from being away for the holidays. This was like a Ronaldo penalty kick against Stephen Hawking in goal. Ring that up and keep the change.

So we got a positive test that first month, the day after my wife’s 33rd birthday. I remember curling up in an apt fetal position after looking at the pee stick. The Tim McGraw song “Live Like You Were Dying” popped into mind.

It was a little scary and reminiscent of signing the lease when she and I first moved in together as my hand was uncontrollably shaking. My mind tends to race with overzealous prognostication.

Every night for about a week straight, I woke up in the vicinity of 4 a.m. and just lay there in bed. I wasn’t really thinking about the baby and didn’t feel all that stressed, but I do recall a weak sensation that rendered me unable to clench my hands.

Did you know the number of weeks of a pregnancy starts counting from the last period? That is rudely misleading for first-timers and should be integrated into common knowledge. I thought we were six days in when it was already six weeks.

Gradually, I started getting a better handle on this ticking bomb deployed to eradicate my life as I knew it. I even left a Super Bowl party overrun with frolicking children feeling confident and excited about the challenge.

Four days later my wife called me at work, emotional but calm. I remember it was 10:59 because I had an 11 a.m. meeting about content optimization. I know it was Feb. 8 because the Cavs had just traded away half of their team before the deadline.

The spotting my wife noticed earlier that week had turned into an all-out flood, and she found what looked like a membrane thingy in the toilet. Her breasts almost instantly went from intensely painful to completely normal, as if a faucet of hormones had been shut off.

I got through the meeting and the rest of the workday only mildly distracted. At home, my wife was rattled but in good spirits overall. We took a walk to Trader Joe’s and didn’t need much time before cracking jokes about our embryo hanging out in the sewer, the waiting period before I could go down on her, and not having to waste the second pregnancy test that came in the box. (I might have been the only one doing the joking, but she was totally cool with it.)

My wife even brought our baby home, wrapped in toilet paper instead of a fuzzy blanket. By then it had dried into something not as striking as the picture she took while fresh. She showed me on her phone but refused to text it out of justified concern I might share too liberally.

I can’t really remember what it looked like, something vaguely resembling peanut butter and jelly with a grayish Tootsie Roll center, or maybe I’m completely off. It made me a little queasy while putting down chicken and broccoli for dinner. She still has the picture if you want to reach out directly; this would be a perfect use case for Snapchat.

I should send it to my mom, who continues to baffle me by referring to the first pregnancy as not real. The positive test and doctor would indicate otherwise, crazy Asian woman. If she keeps this up, I am going to frame an enlarged picture of the dead embryo for her.

On the subject of callous immigrant parents, I try to speak only in Chinese to mine for practice. When I don’t know a word, which is pretty much every sentence, I refuse to give in and instead describe or talk around it.

My vocabulary is like a third-grader’s and certainly doesn’t include “miscarriage.” So I use words to the effect of “the kid died.” After hearing this repeatedly over multiple conversations, even my mom couldn’t take it anymore and told me to stop phrasing it that way.

Evidently I felt no connection with neither the picture nor embryo my wife later unceremoniously flushed away. A miscarriage at seven weeks isn’t materially different than if I had worn a condom that month. I wonder what point that feeling changes, which obviously depends on the person. I wonder what my hypothetical graph of sorrow would look like from seven weeks to nine months.

Surely the potential disappointment would grow with more time invested, like anything. But it’s not like we’re interacting with the fetus during pregnancy and would know the person we lost. I felt a surprising exhilaration when hearing the heartbeat of the current one, but I wouldn’t be mourning a being with any semblance of identity if we lost it too.

For me, the pain of this compassionately early miscarriage resided not in loss, but rather in one of my OCD personality traits. I have a lot of trouble accepting outcomes without the feeling of maximum effort given. I will torture myself with second-guessing and futile analysis to no end.

In this case, our lackadaisical approach after the positive test perturbed me in hindsight. We didn’t even bother to google hot yoga, which is a no-no during pregnancy. My wife felt extremely faint during her last session, and the next day she started spotting.

She also lugged equipment for work halfway across downtown Santa Monica. The doctor assured us these things did not cause the miscarriage, but my advice to anyone with neurotic tendencies is to leave no room for doubt.

To be unequivocally clear, I share these thoughts with zero-point-zero intention of creating guilt. Nature and the human body are so sublimely skilled, it’s a good bet most miscarriages happen for good reason… the optimal outcome for suboptimal pregnancies, part of our infinite biological safeguards.

It could happen again with this one. We’re 16 weeks in and feel more stable being out of the first trimester. I joke about this one dying, which usually draws a pinch from my wife.

I don’t believe in jinxes or superstitions or karma. If I have the power to cause a miscarriage by joking about one, then help me brainstorm some material on winning the lottery and we’ll split it 60-40.

I do believe in the value of talking honestly, for the talker and listener. Check out this pregnancy announcement my wife showed me, my favorite of all time even though I’m not familiar with the celebrity:
 

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As some of you know, @jeffreydeanmorgan is off in Europe getting ready to do some big conventions. And he's self aware enough to know his track record for "spilling the beans" isn't so great (bless his heart!). So before he starts tripping up in an attempt to maintain our privacy, he asked that I go ahead and post something about our little girl's birth. But before I do that, there's something I really want to say to all the women out there who are trying….. It took a long time for Jeffrey and I to have this baby. The first time I got pregnant, it took a year and a half. I surprised him on Christmas with baby Seahawk booties. We cried. We celebrated. We picked out names. And we lost that baby. More losses followed, and as so many couples know, it was heartbreaking. It still is heartbreaking. And every morning of the five years it took us, I'd open my computer at the kitchen table and see the news and I'd grow bitter over the endless parade of celebrities showing off their bumps and babies. I'd weep out of jealousy for how easy it was for them. Didn't they know something could go wrong? Didn't they know that there were other women out there struggling? It pained me to see the corporate sponsored baby showers and magazine covers capitalizing on this human miracle that wasn't happening for us. So when this pregnancy started, we were cautious. I didn't want to celebrate for fear of jinxing it. I didn't want a baby shower. I checked her heartbeat every day, up until the day she was born. And now that she is here, I just stare at her in wonder all day. I see her in her daddy's arms and I don't take any of it for granted. She screams bloody murder and I smile because she is so wildly alive. So now that folks know she's here, I don't want her birth to cause any other woman to weep at her kitchen table. If anything, my wish is that she would restore hope for others. Fertility is a fickle thing. And for the other couples out there who have had dark days, we want to introduce our miracle baby to you and send you our love and support in finding yours. Please meet George Virginia Morgan. She was born February 16th. Her daddy delivered her. We love her very much.

A post shared by Hilarie Burton (@hilarieburton) on

 
Well that really takes the air out of my 1,500 words on a seven-week miscarriage. But I will think of it, and appreciate it, should the time come again.

For now, a beautiful silver lining from losing the first one is I am so excited for this one. I got some bonus time to mature and make my peace. A dirty little trick Mother Nature played, taking something away so I would realize I want it. Phoebe did the same thing with Rachel’s pregnancy test if you recall.

The morning after the miscarriage, I lifted weights and played tennis. With endorphins running and the sun shining, I felt like I had a new lease on life because there was no baby. Now I feel like I have a new lease on life because of this baby.

Good luck little fella! I have a feeling you’re going to be the second-best thing to ever happen to me, behind your mother. And if you don’t make it, we’ll get the next one.
 

 
 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.

To Orange County

We moved to the L.A. version of the suburbs this month. I lived the previous decade walking distance to a cluster of bro-so-hard bars and the Pacific Ocean. Nine of those years were in Hermosa Beach, safely tucked away from the oppressive swell of humanity on the Westside but still in Los Angeles County.

Snobby city folks think of Orange County as the land where homely people go to die. I won’t object to that viewpoint, but keep in mind you won’t be beautiful forever and you’re dying wherever you live.

I prefer to die in comfort. With wide, smooth roads and modern buildings. A strong public school system and less homeless people to make you feel bad for them, but not bad enough to give them money, which subsequently makes you feel bad about yourself.

My wife is one of those pretty rare snobby city folks who actually grew up in L.A. She likes places to be “dirty” (her word) and have “character” (her word), as opposed to the cookie-cutter neighborhoods of my suburban Plano, Texas upbringing.

I’m not so quick to equate physical space with character. Put five of my bros in an Applebee’s, and I think we can run up a bar tab with more personality than some 24-year-old associate nondescripts at The Bungalow trying to get laid with their button-down shirts.

To be clear, I love The Bungalow. The confluence of douchey energy and Hollywood looks is pure gold. But the fact that the lounge is decorated like a house is immaterial. No one is going there to look at furniture.

My previous employer went all Johnny Depp for its holiday party and rented out SHOREbar, a Rihanna favorite. Again, the nautical-themed interior was nowhere near my mind while inhaling whiskey and loving on my old coworkers. Most open-bar events converge to similar outcomes with each passing hour, regardless of the venue.

The character or fun of a place is all about you, what you bring, how you interact with circumstances. People who overemphasize ambience and decor probably don’t have anything interesting to say. People who can’t imagine being happy in a place as big as Orange County probably don’t have big imaginations.

That’s not to say I didn’t feel acute separation anxiety when we shut the door of Apt. 2 for the last time and left the keys on the counter like in the final episode of Friends. And then moved into a cavernous townhouse that gets so cold downstairs I wear fuzzy red slippers.

But it’s a good deal for a Newport Beach zip code at $2600 a month. The same place could easily cost double in popular parts of L.A.

My 37-mile commute from Hermosa to the new job was stretching to 90 minutes one way during peak traffic, while my wife had to drive an hour-plus the opposite direction. Now it takes me six minutes to get to the office, and she works from home four days a week.

Between the time and money savings, there would have to be some seriously compelling reasons to stay in L.A. Yet the reality is we got married and succumbed to the lull of lazy comfort. Very few people get married and then decide they need to put more effort into being fun.

We are suburban. The mere thought of going out on any night except maybe Saturday makes me anxious and exhausted. It is an ironic reversal of the days when I would throw a tantrum anytime my ex tried to make me leave the bar early. I literally stomped my feet like a child at Toys “R” Us. Now anytime my wife commits me to a social event requiring unnatural energy, I go through a full progression of denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance.

A big-box grocery store with the scale to pass on lower prices to consumers sounds more appealing at this point than a comedy club or hipster bar. My wife doesn’t even pretend to like those character-laden coffee shops on those dirty streets of L.A. She goes to Starbucks. Don’t kid yourself — you were born for the O.C. baby.

It’s an area with the infrastructure and open space to support easy living and kid-raising. I didn’t realize in-unit laundry was such an amenity until we moved into the townhouse. I left my clothes in the dryer and just went to bed. It felt so forbidden in a good way, like discovering my first porn.

There will be much more to discover as we settle in behind the “Orange Curtain” and find our favorite strip malls. It will be an adjustment and new chapter for sure, but we’re still the ones writing our book no matter how the buildings look.

 

 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.

Seven-Year Switch

Had I stayed at my job two more months, just two more months after seven-plus years, I would have been eligible Jan. 1 for a four-week paid sabbatical. This was announced as a new policy to reward four years of service.

So technically — although this almost certainly would not have worked in practice — I could have timed my sabbatical with my eight-year mark and taken two in a row. Bridge in some holidays and stockpiled PTO, and I would be paid to travel for a quarter of 2019.

That’s the dream, right? I don’t know. I was talking about traveling with a friend who recently started his own company, and he had a refreshing counter perspective. Of course it’s fun to see new places and eat and drink, but he gets more out of being productive.

Traveling after winning the lottery is indeed the dream. Traveling when there’s work to do afterwards is not even close to the same. Take for example my five-month employment gap at age 26. I went to China, tried out for a game show, got to be an extra in a Disney pilot because they were looking for ethnic or “ethnically ambiguous” looks, and read a few random books. But for the most part, I hit the gym in the morning and library all afternoon to find my next job.

With a solid savings account buoyed by steady unemployment checks, I could have just chilled at the beach all day. I was relatively young and relatively unattached, with the time to do whatever I wanted. Maybe spending it at the library showed just how dreadfully unimaginative and conservative I am at my core, but it’s what I gravitated toward without any outside pressure or personal resolutions.

It’s just kind of hard for me to relax when there’s something that needs to be done in the near future. This blog post, as another example, added an antsiness to all my fun time during Thanksgiving break because I force myself to write one per month and the clock was ticking.

So yeah, although a sabbatical or two next year would have been amazing on various levels, the notion didn’t appeal to me as much as figuring out my next career move. I had been thinking about exit routes from the ad agency world for a while, and the timetable was about to be involuntarily accelerated after a conversation with my new boss back in May.

It ended up not happening, but determining a new path for me elevated in my mind from nice-to-have to think-about-at-night. I started by simply browsing a wide swath of companies and positions, figuring there are so many out there I’ve never even heard of that could be a great fit.

Not so much. I am comfortable making the sweeping statement that most jobs suck relative to what you could be doing with the free time. This must be why they have to compensate you to show up. I am highly skeptical when people say they would do their job even after winning the lottery.

It does pose a constructive question though. Are there jobs out there so fulfilling, I would do them for free? Follow your passion. Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life.

Hmmm. I don’t know what that means. I love chicken and broccoli because it’s the surest way to get shredded. But I don’t want to be a farmer or bodybuilder.

I love basketball and tennis. But any league willing to take me will require that I’m the one paying them, which doesn’t seem like a financially viable career. I was a sportswriter for a bit, but chasing quotes wasn’t as fun as chasing balls.

I love sex, but again, I think I would have to pay the people I really want to do it with. Besides my wife of course. And the only people who would pay for our sex tape would be unconditionally supportive family and friends, and we would just give it to them for free anyway.

Maybe going down the list of hobbies and interests isn’t the way to approach it. Maybe the purpose of a job is to enable you to have the life you want, which could mean a tolerable workday 9 to 5 while living in a city you love, supporting the family you love, and doing the things you love 5 to 9.

My mom has worked in sales at the same computer wholesaler for a quarter century. In her words, does she like her job? No. Does she like shoes? Yes. And her job lets her buy shoes.

I get it. However, it’s a little too linear even for my pragmatic mindset. There are lots of ways to buy shoes.

Here’s where I netted out. I’m 34 and have a lot of work hours left ahead of me. It is a finite amount though. And the uneasy yet guiding question for me turned out to be: What do I want to spend my next seven years working on?

Like I said, contenders were hard to come by, especially when I couldn’t really define what I was looking for. My suggestion for anyone in the same boat is to avoid the mental treadmill of trying to figure out a career through analysis and reflection, and just keep looking through what’s actually out there. Instead of seeking answers to nebulous questions about meaning and purpose and making top-down decisions from there, put real work into exploring concrete options and draw your conclusions from the bottom up.

I didn’t know I was looking for fintech and an ability to help everyday people. Econ classes in college made me feel as dumb as IKEA instructions do, and I haven’t volunteered for Habitat for Humanity in five years.

Yet I found a company that I believe will occupy an entirely different tier on my Maslow hierarchy. I told my wife about it and declared I was going to keep pursuing a job there, whether it took weeks or years.

The name of the company is Acorns, such a good name for a micro-investing app. Mighty oaks from little acorns grow.

 

 

Acorns is best known for rounding up your purchases and putting the spare change into a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds. Ashton Kutcher, who has crushed early-staging investing with a bunch of startups including Airbnb and Uber, was asked by Stephen Colbert what his next hit might be:

 

 

The round-up feature is one small part of the big picture. Acorns just launched a retirement product and sold out preorders of an innovative debit card made of tungsten, the heaviest non-radioactive element. The mission is to build an entire financial wellness system for up-and-coming folks to save and invest.

This is a staggering problem. Seven out of 10 Americans don’t have $1,000 saved up for an emergency, yet their bank will ding them $35 for an overdraft fee. It’s a f___ joke with a sorry punchline.

For those of you lamenting the political times, BlackRock CEO Larry Fink traces the anxiety and polarization around the world directly to a lack of secure retirement prospects and financial tools. In terms of social impact, I don’t know how you can get more fundamental than empowering people to have the future they want. Plus I find personal finance inherently stimulating. I could explain Acorns to a stranger in a bar with genuine energy, which I think is a solid litmus test for job fit.

So that’s what I want to work on for the next seven years. I started this month as director of business development, tasked with brand partnerships.

Brands on our platform reward people for shopping with them by depositing cash forward, instead of cash back, into their Acorns account. This is a unique way to reach new and lapsed customers and build a relationship with a millennial audience adept at tuning out traditional advertising. Acorns charges the brand, and our shared customers get their investment frictionlessly. Everybody wins.

My role at Acorns is comfortingly familiar in some ways and refreshingly new in others. I feel hokey calling it the proverbial dream job, but it does feel like all the experience and work over the last decade led me to this happy opportunity. I can’t think of another company in the world I would rather join.

 

 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.

Before and After Piper

Sometimes I saunter through the office and announce to no one in particular, “God I love the Pipe.” There is usually no response, not even a lifted eyebrow from HR, because it’s common knowledge what I’m talking about.

The dog’s name is Piper. My coworker brings her into the office twice a week. We have a connection that people find borderline weird. It really doesn’t make much sense at first glance.

Piper is not the type to go out of her way to bond with humans. Most coworkers get the impression she doesn’t like them, and I think they’re probably right. She has this wonderful aloofness about her, tinged with a subtle arrogance. It’s hilarious and endearing and makes me love her even more.

Somehow, she loves me back. Out of all people in this puppy-crazy world, I have to be among the unlikeliest candidates for this reciprocation. Before Piper, I found dog obsession to be a reflection of emotional weakness, underdeveloped social skills, and low standards of stimulation and fulfillment.

When my aunt had to put the longtime family dog to sleep, she told my mom the story of how the poor thing couldn’t let go and close his eyes until my uncle said goodbye. My mom cried hearing it, then cried telling it to her coworker, who in turn started crying.

When I heard the story, I said, “Wait… I thought Buddy’s been dead for like 10 years.”

Dogs just didn’t really register in my consciousness. I didn’t understand the whole pet worship thing, and most owners seemed to fall somewhere between silly and annoying.

Now Piper occupies about 90 percent of my consciousness, or at least my iCloud storage. She’s my best friend. I am obsessed with her.

I don’t know precisely how or when this odd couple thing started. Probably the key contributing factor was that I used to sit across from Piper’s owner. This created a familiarity and association with their loving relationship. (She’s the best dog owner I’ve ever seen.) Piper quickly found a comfort level sprawling her big body out under my desk.

 

 

Other dogs I more or less tuned out, but Piper’s presence was hard to ignore. She doesn’t exactly blend in. She has linebacker size and safety speed at full gallop. With long, flowing, Pantene-soft hair the color of snow, I always think of the white wolves in Game of Thrones. Except trade the snarls for a beauty pageant face.

So I had this near-mythical creature loitering under my desk, yet I didn’t have much experience interacting with even normal canines. My wife once was so embarrassed when I waved to a stranger’s dog.

I guess I just talked to Piper like a human and refrained from invading her personal space. When people treat her like a dumb puppy starving for attention, she generally responds with some combination of haughty indifference, stoic dignity and go f yourself.

I have a habit of asking coworkers how much they love Piper, and usually the response is some version of “She doesn’t give a s___ about me.” It’s not an unfair assessment.

Maybe Piper sensed I was different and felt at ease. Certainly at ease enough to share my leg room.

 

 

And if her interpretation of sharing was not allowing me to pivot, so be it.

 

 

If she felt like napping, the onus was on me to work around her space and schedule.

 

 

People got accustomed to seeing the two of us hanging at my desk and stepping over this beautiful fire hazard of a dog in the aisle.

 

Photo credit: either the Frenchman or the Texan

 

One fine day I was eating a hard-boiled egg, and Piper seemed particularly interested. Her owner enlightened me with the knowledge that eggs are not only OK for dogs, they’re healthy.

So I gave Piper half. And then I started giving her a whole one just about every visit. I can’t remember for sure whether this was when she started following me around everywhere, but that would be a reasonable assumption.

Every time I get up from my chair, Piper bolts to my side and shadows me so closely I can feel her breath on my hand. If I go to the bathroom, she waits by the door and her giant dinosaur head is already poking in as soon as I start to open it.

 

Photo credit: Mr. Newlywed

 

If I go to a conference room or someone’s office, she camps out by the glass and alternates between resting and staring at me intently. One time in Conference Room E, there was a gap between the sliding door and wall that couldn’t have been more than an inch, and Piper kept trying to squeeze her entire face through it.

 

 

If I leave the office before her, I try to sneak out because every goodbye hurts my soul.

 

 

Now that I’ve moved desks around the corner, Piper likes to set up shop equidistant from her owner and me with clean lines of sight. But she still considers my vicinity her territory.

 

 

And seems to take satisfaction in making people step around or over her.

 

 

This dog has both the beauty and the brains. She is highly perceptive and knows she has me wrapped around her pretty little paw. When she strolls over to me with that surly countenance, I don’t know if she’s trying to elicit affection or shake me down for the three bags of treats I keep in the bottom drawer.

 

 

Weird, huh? I always take science over spirituality, but Piper actually makes me think twice about reincarnation. She often just sits there and locks eyes with me, as if we knew each other from a different time and space. We can go on in this staring contest forever until I look away first.

 

 

Her side-eye, by the way, is legendary in the Silicon Beach community.

 

 

We do have a connection, and it makes more sense at second glance. We both hate children and scooters and will celebrate when they are proven to be meaningless fads.

We both love food in a visceral, drug-addict-type way. My wife googled Piper’s breed, aptly named with grandeur — The Great Pyrenees — and learned these types of dogs are known to be more serious than playful.

That is totally my style. This blog is the most playful thing I do. Ask my wife and she’ll tell you I am a pure square who seeks rational routine.

Currently I’m trying to get her to accept the idea of having a written roommate agreement like Sheldon’s in The Big Bang Theory. It’s supposed to be a joke in the show about a social freak’s absurdities, but it seems sensible to me to formalize best practices such as prohibiting cell phones at the dinner table and giving 24-hour notice of visitors so I can mentally prepare.

Piper and I are even converging a bit in our preferences. She goes berserk barking at skateboarders, and rather than reprimand her, I think I hate skateboarders too now. They make so much noise relative to the amount of work being done and distance covered. Sorry bro, JNCO went out of business this year and out of style, like, 2 years ago.

I know about the skateboarding thing because twice Piper has come home with me to Hermosa Beach for the weekend. Six months ago, I would have found it incomprehensible to ever volunteer to dog-sit. Now I make sure the owner knows I’m available 24/7 and encourage her to travel more.

Picking up Piper from her home the first time created a lot of anxiety for me. I was convinced she wouldn’t recognize me outside of the office. But that fear evaporated when she charged at full gallop and greeted me on hind legs. It was breathtaking because she has the aura of a unicorn.

When I transport her in my Honda Pilot, I feel like an Uber driver because again, I talk to her like a human, and she’s as tall as anyone when sitting up straight.

 

 

A moving vehicle also doesn’t disrupt her tendency to get up in my grill. Sometimes when I swivel my head to check my blind spot, I end up nose-to-nose with Piper like a UFC weigh-in.

 

 

The first night she slept over, I checked so many times to make sure she was still breathing. Isn’t that what you do with a newborn baby?

Piper starts each day at our apartment before dawn, standing next to our bed motionless and expressionless. It’s what possessed children in horror movies do, but there is nothing else I would rather see when I first open my eyes. Through my sleepy fog, I ask her, “Are you ready to party?”

She then sits in the same spot to watch me put on my shoes, resembling a gargoyle statue in the dark.

 

 

And then we party so hard. I have a strong aversion to holding any tension on the leash because I want her to feel free. Any time I have to pull her back, I get irritated with everything and everybody in the surrounding area.

Piper chases birds with reckless aggression, and I am willing to risk sprained ankles lunging down narrow steps and jumping over ledges in that pursuit. This video might make you nauseated, but understand the shaking is because I am flailing while trying to keep up with her 4.4 speed.

 

 

You wouldn’t think Piper with her aristocratic mannerisms gets down like that. There are so many layers to her. People are mesmerized by her beautiful white fur, but her rebellious streak dictates she find the most efficient ways to sully it.

 

 

How awesome is Piper, right? Walking side-by-side with her as she collects endless compliments and admiring looks, I haven’t felt this cool in Hermosa Beach since my old roommate was bringing home one out of every four single girls west of PCH.

 

 

At home I like to tell Piper she’s my best friend and then make a lip-smacking sound an inch above her big head. (I don’t actually kiss her because she doesn’t shower every day.)

 

 

Fortunately, Piper and my wife get along like cookies and cream. I think part of it is they each sense how special the other is to me.

 

 

Whenever someone visits, we’ve learned to coordinate the initial meeting with Piper outside. Because if you step into our space, her protective instincts go wild. She growls and barks with startling ferocity, and to be honest we’re not supposed to have pets in our apartment.

This might be wishful interpretation on my part, but I get the feeling Piper does consider me in her inner circle to protect. She was so well-behaved at the barber shop, yet watching me closely the whole time as if to make sure this guy with the scissors wasn’t a threat.

 

 

I am obviously putting words in her drooly mouth and probably displacing my own feelings. I would die for Piper if needed. I’ve pictured various scenarios with a bear, out-of-control car, mass shooter, and I’m comfortable making the sacrifice.

It doesn’t hold much logic given Piper is not even my dog, and the expected value math breaks down with the huge discrepancy in our species’ life spans.

But kind of like I didn’t understand the big deal about marriage until I met my wife, I didn’t understand the big deal about dogs until I met Piper. Feeling loved by this creature brings me so much joy.

I was musing the other day during the lottery craze that if I were offered the $1.5 billion winning ticket with the stipulation of never getting to see Piper again… I would still have to take the ticket. But I would hire a celebrity photographer to put together a sick montage of Piper and watch it every day on my yacht.

Guess what I would name the yacht.

 

 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.

Crazy Rich Ab-omination

While watching two white buddies on the couch like zoo animals, I was perplexed how a video game could compel men in their 30s to wear headsets and interact through avatars. It was a bit of a racial role reversal, given how seriously some Asians take their gaming.

Role reversal no. 2 came when they gushed about the movie Crazy Rich Asians and were perplexed how I found it to be horrendous. Perhaps the movements and rhetoric and hashtags have created an overcompensatory environment in Hollywood, and people are afraid to speak poorly of a minority-driven movie.

If I need to step up here as an Asian and vocalize what you white devils are thinking, I will be your yellow knight.

Crazy Rich Asians was a fundamentally bad movie. I appreciated it because I got to see people who look like me dominate the screen for once. That only happens in my parents’ living room when they Chromecast Chinese talk shows with set lighting gaudy enough to cause a seizure through the TV.

Certainly I am excited this important film was made and happy about $165 million at the box office. But it was so bad. People talk about it like it’s Shawshank or something. Am I the crazy one here?

Objectively, if it were the same movie but with a white cast — let’s say Eastern European to keep the premise of an overseas culture — everyone would have walked out before the credits.

I know romantic comedies, and this one goes on the bottom shelf. It’s not even in the same library as 10 Things I Hate About You, Serendipity, You’ve Got Mail, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Friends with Benefits, Crazy Stupid Love, Hitch, America’s Sweethearts, Valentine’s Day

Here are my three main complaints in descending order of severity.

Casting (abs). Honestly, abs (casting).

This particular objection admittedly is less about the movie and more about the psyche of Asian men marginalized in American culture. This was our shot to be sexy.

The shirtless scene in any given rom-com essentially functions as the thumbnail in the brain’s vast memory drive. Or maybe that’s just me.

In any case, we needed to crush this scene for the billion of us around the world and millions swiped left without a fighting chance in favor of nerdy Jewish guys. But when it was finally our turn to introduce to the mainstream a strapping, shirtless Asian male lead… I saw a midsection that resembled a misshapen alien head. We would have been better off with yet another hack small penis joke.

Don’t get me wrong — I liked the guy too. He was charming and handsome, dashing even.

But bro, you have the unenviable task of going up against Gosling, Tatum, Reynolds, Kutcher and the legend himself McConaughey… and you can’t knock out a few planks?

It’s the one thing you can control. Would you show up to a game of 21 with LeBron and Westbrook wearing flip-flops? Why make the impossible even harder? It was like when Sandra Bullock got exasperated with Keanu in Speed after he punctured the gas tank:

What, you thought you needed another challenge or something?

Unless you’re Leo or Johnny Depp, there is a professional obligation to put the requisite work into your body if it’s going to be showcased on a 60-foot screen. Even someone as pretty as Zac Efron went nine zero-carb days eating only organic protein and leafy greens in preparation for Baywatch. And he wasn’t representing an entire gene pool.

It’s not that hard to mess around at the gym for a bit and swallow bland food. I get ridiculed for my stretching-to-lifting ratio and how I seem to reduce weight every session. But I exercise consistently and string together some chicken-and-broccoli meals during the week, so most Saturdays I wake up admiring noticeable definition:

 

 

Plus I work at a desk. You’re a movie star. You can hire a trainer and a chef. You can be one of those mysterious well-dressed creatures somehow going to the gym at 10:30 in the morning. What am I missing here? Why wasn’t more effort made or better yet, Daniel Henney called?

I am still furious.

Dialogue

The script was as thin, flat and cheesy as Cheez-Its and this simile. Everyone knows that discomfort when a stand-up comic is struggling, and you want to laugh but can’t seem to force out even a fake one. I felt that way the whole movie, and I didn’t hear much giggling from the rest of the audience.

Compare that to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Granted, a rom-com doesn’t have to be laugh-out-loud funny to be entertaining. But the words being said have to at least be not annoying.

Half of the movie sounded like Family Matters in terms of corny jokes and awkward heart-to-hearts. When the best man and groom left that rager of a bachelor party and found a little island to talk about their feelings, I was looking around the theater like what is happening.

It was unbearably cheesy. He actually called him his best friend. No guy past elementary school calls another guy his best friend to his face. There are no circumstances when this is necessary.

And it was a bachelor party, my god. After Nashville 2016, I’m not sure a bachelor party even really begins until someone gets a black eye. Before mine, my wife felt the need to reach out to select attendees and specifically instruct them not to mess up my face before the wedding.

This script needed a laugh track and would have killed on TBS in the 90s.

Chemistry

The acting and talent were good, but it was more Minnesota Timberwolves than Golden State Warriors. Solid individual performers didn’t make each other better or the team greater than the sum of the parts.

They played their roles capably but had weak chemistry together — the main couple, the gorgeous cousin and cheating husband, daughter-mom, son-mom. Everything felt stuck in low gear.

I didn’t feel the connection I did while getting misty-eyed three times during Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Sure I was pulling for the all-around happy ending, but if the last scene had turned out to be like the Red Wedding… eh, you can’t win ’em all.

Crazy Rich Asians held attention well but was neither romantic nor comedic. From my racially biased perspective, it was a missed opportunity that hopefully still opened the door for more opportunity.

 

 

Writer’s note: If you spend any amount of your finite time reading the absurdities in this blog, we are either friends or highly compatible strangers. Thus I feel close enough to ask for your email address below. The only email you will ever get from me is one blog post per month for the rest of my life, until you click Unsubscribe. Thank you.