Dungeons and Dragons in the Land of Fire and Ice
One of the most hurtful things Kanye said — something that stuck in my mind long after hearing it only once — was in the song “Run This Town”:
What you think I rap for
To push a [bleepin’] RAV4
It was such a flippant way to defecate on what I imagine to be a fairly representative cross section of America. The RAV4 just capped its eighth straight year as the country’s top-selling SUV according to Toyota Motor North America, headquartered in my hometown Plano, Texas. That’s unkind and unfair to make generalizations, Kanye. You don’t know each and every one of us. There could be rappers in the RAV4 cohort with 20-inch rims if those are still in.
We indulged in some customization with our 2019 hybrid as well, adding after-market leather seats that have held up admirably under two boulder Foonf car seats occupied by two verified savages who punch well above their weight class. A multi-talent like Kanye could appreciate the comfort, aesthetic, performance, durability, usability and maintainability of my whip, haggled for a little over $30K including the leather.
Where we diverge is value. I don’t get the feeling Kanye does or should care about cost efficiency, whereas utility per unit of expense makes me erect intellectually. Rock, rock hard, like predawn, preconscious state while spooning after an erotic dream.
Where we may converge on a small scale, absolute and relative value, is the fire and ice of Iceland. My wife and I fly out Sunday to celebrate her 40th birthday. The No. 1 tourist attraction for her besides the fickle northern lights is a geothermal spa in a lava field called the Blue Lagoon. Rather than pay a few hundred bucks to hop into the milky blue water like peasants bathing in Leo’s eyes with cataracts, or $600 to access the subterranean spa like rich peasants, we are staying two nights at the luxury resort built on the bleepin’ lagoon.
If you know me, $1700 per day when you’re sleeping almost half the hours from 3 p.m. check-in to 11 a.m. checkout is a dramatic departure from my values and conception of value and diminishing returns. Overall I think my favorite hotel is probably Holiday Inn Express.
On one trip in my mid-20s, my girlfriend at the time even had us stay for free in a cultural exchange with crazy hospitable strangers in France and Spain through couchsurfing.com, which apparently still exists. Exactly opposite of the stereotype of French inhospitality, one guy just gave us the keys to his home and left for work. We didn’t get to buy him a meal or anything. He was simply that nice, open and trusting.
Another guy was the same, but his accommodations were in a cold, dark basement that was either dilapidated or under construction or both. I really thought we were going to end up with credits on some VHS in the fetish section of a boutique adult video store off I-35. I’m pretty sure we slept on a mattress on the concrete floor, but that could be nightmares merging into memory.
My upward mobility from potential dungeon to subterranean spa was assisted by Chase Sapphire Preferred. This is not an endorsement of the credit card. I actually looked into canceling it recently to save the $95 fee, but I think it’s an OK deal if you use the points right and annual $50 hotel credit.
My approach to credit card points is not groundbreaking, all common sense but maybe not common awareness. As a baseline, you can cash out 100 points for a dollar. So build up 100,000 points and get $1,000.
With this card though, I can bank $1.25 per 100 points, or an extra $250 in our example, if I book travel through Chase. That works out to essentially a 20 percent discount on flights and hotels. The Retreat at Blue Lagoon still wasn’t cheap or entirely rational in my mind. We could have cashed the points for $2700, stayed at a decent alternative for a fraction, and used the difference on a Game of Thrones sword to slay dragons and hot chicks as one obviously should do when in Iceland.
Based purely on monetary value and not subjective personal utility, the way to maximize Sapphire points is to convert them into airline miles at a 1:1 exchange rate. Then use the miles on international business-class flights.
We scored 160,000 United miles this way, enough to cover a pair of Polaris class tickets home from Amsterdam plus $200 in fees. Those same seats would have cost eight or nine g’s to purchase outright, a heck of a lot more than cashing out for $1600 or spending $2000 with Chase travel.
Now, as you might guess, I find it highly questionable whether sitting in the front is actually worth that amount. I sleep easily on planes and enjoy really the only time I manage to read a book or watch a movie. So any perk beyond a window seat slides off the cliff of diminishing returns, although I did endure the second-most violent United flight by an Asian male.
I do not operate on the high end of any market. I love eating but can’t stand nice restaurants. I would feel triumphant if my 2007 Honda Pilot with warped tint outlasts the RAV4 as my last car. Friends are always giving me clothes presumably because I look homeless. My guess is I will appreciate the taste of luxury on this Iceland trip, but nowhere near the face value.
What you think I use points for
To get more than I [bleepin’] paid 4