Regimen for a Fanny Pack at 40
It’s been a long time since I added an abs pic to your spank bank, and I want you to know I’m still here, age 40, fighting for it.
This A.I.-free image is a little blurry because I jumped into a pool for a few minutes with my phone in a fanny pack, which could have happened to anyone but feels like more of an Asian problem, kind of like how U.S. president might be one of those Black jobs. I put the iPhone 12 mini in a bag of easily accessible rice, decidedly an Asian solution, and escaped with just a broken Face ID.
I can’t blame the subpar definition entirely on cloudy camera lenses. If you’re interested enough to pinch and zoom, you can see the midsection has gotten doughier in midlife, particularly the lower abs where linearity is so directly proportional to discipline.
Although I’m way above average in and outside my age group, this is actually my Before pic and I will update you with an After. I’ve been binge-eating multiple times a week, as well as finishing my family’s nasty scraps even when I’d rather not but don’t have the agency to quell my no-waste O.C.D. I also keep getting to bed late instead of accepting the reality that young children compress your day into something unrecognizable from the previous life.
During a Disneyland trip next month, I am prioritizing a pilgrimage to the 24th Street hill in Hermosa Beach, Calif. There I will run 20 sprints to press the reset button for hopefully the last time. I need those 40 minutes of painful purification before I can begin my new life of legumes and salmon, moderation and savoring, meditation and 10 p.m. bedtime.
My wife says I have an eating disorder, but I put down a ton of calories and never consider not keeping them down. I do eat when stressed, feel guilty after each binge, and hate myself after they become routine. The emotions are a little unhinged, but demanding expectations for body and mind are still a net positive.
Your life is what you spend time and attention on, and there are worse things. I think this could be a way to contribute to those around me. Not as a personal trainer type, but more like a buddy with tidbits for the layman.
For example, I’m happy to share Target sells a pound of dry lentils for $1.99. Cooking takes almost no prep time. If you add them to meals throughout the week, the protein and fiber will make it easier to replace or at least reduce portions of garbage food.
On the exercise end, I found this Men’s Health program that requires only 20-40 minutes three times a week and a set of dumbbells. It’s doable for everyone. Just pick a light weight if needed. I’m on Week 13 and keep going lighter and lighter. I’ve been doing lots of push-ups on my knees because they’re hard and I’m not very strong.
This photo from 2016 definitely was not generated by A.I. I was joking for the camera. Bicep curls in a squat rack are done only in maximum-security prisons by death row inmates who have no reason to give an F. But I don’t recall the 2.5-pound weights on each side being part of the joke.
I’ve never been strong. My arms are too long. Every time I try to pick up my wife, I scream like Jim during his ultimate sacrifice in a “A Quiet Place.”
We watched the breathtaking “Skywalkers” documentary on Netflix this weekend, featuring a hot Russian couple who breaks into skyscrapers and takes insanely dangerous pictures. The grand finale was atop the world’s second-tallest building, the Merdeka 118 tower in my birthplace Malaysia. They balanced on a plank and did the “Dirty Dancing” move.
No self-respecting Malaysian wouldn’t at least give it a try on carpet. I convinced my wife to participate. She said she weighs 105 pounds, which might be true in outer space. I said I could easily snatch that weight, which might not be the right exercise and in any case is not true.
She jumped, I grabbed, and we immediately crumpled to the ground. There was a loud pop we suspect came from my lower back, and — I truly kid you not — her left tit somehow popped out of the sports bra underneath her shirt.
We were dying laughing but it was emasculating too, especially since the ensuing documentary on the Redeem Team talked about how Kobe and LeBron were alpha dogs. I am so weak relative to my physique. The gun and abs show is indeed mostly for show. But I will keep at it. When you’re 40, you take what you can get and fight for the rest.
That photo series is one of my favorites, possibly best I've ever taken